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I'm waiting for my accountant.

Apparently, she's about as proficient with a telephone as I am.

I've called her twice since yesterday to try to find out what time she plans to show up, but she doesn't answer.

I wouldn't normally care, but she's the one who picked Friday morning. We have to go over my business and I need to show her how to use her coffee machine (same make and model as mine). She liked my coffee so much she bought the same machine, but had so much trouble using it that she said she came *this* close to tossing it in the garbage.

It's just a plain old one-cup Melitta espresso maker ($34.95 at HellMart).

Meanwhile, my accounting has been called "the file from hell."

The government apparently believes I have not filed an income tax return since 1986.

They also believe I owe them more money than I make in any given year.

Good luck collecting, boys.