Saturday, October 18, 2008

Today I am H.A.L.T.

Hungry, angry, lonely (not really), tired.

People can suck such energy from you, even with the simplest phrase in email, such as the one I got this morning in response to a bouncy message I sent late last evening:

"I had the impression you were going to call me last night. I am suffering but am I just being manipulative?"

Gee, sorry, I got busy with other stuff. Like talking to my son about issues that concern him and then having a fun chat with a lovely Internet contact. And yes, you do sound manipulative.

Why are some people so needy?

Why do they preach self-sufficiency and yet are unable to spend time alone?

Why do they expect the rest of us to attend to them when we have our own needs for solitude, contemplation, a good book?

Why can't they feel a measure of equilibrium in everyday life?

Why is this AA person with so many years of sobriety such a grabby needy man?

Do you know people who are unable to go to a movie alone, eat in a restaurant alone, walk alone because they somehow feel... too exposed, too vulnerable, too lonely-looking? I feel sorry for them. I've always been able to be at ease with myself. Years of practice. I've had friends pf both sexes who've jumped from one relationship to the next because they can't bear to be on their own, living with themselves, surrounded by 3 or 4 rooms or an entire house.

There are times when I don't like myself much, but I'm accustomed to me and my foibles and I can and will very easily take me and my relatively few demands on myself.

So, back to H.A.L.T. I was hungry when I started this post, but I've since had a bowl of my own chicken soup, which is laden with rice, beans, pasta and all manner of other good things. Angry, I guess I still am. Resentful is a better word, though. Lonely, not much. I had my usual busy, people-filled week and I do enjoy a day alone. It's a fabulously chilly, sunny fall afternoon and my windows are open and there is a fairly bad science fiction movie on the Scream channel and I don't feel particularly lonely. Tired, yeah, cuz I stayed up later than usual last night.

All in all, I suppose things are alright.

I just had to write this here rather than take it out on the person who instigated some of these ranty feelings.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

AA doesn't change you, except...

If I had a million dollars for each man who's hit on me since I've attempted sobriety...

I can't even finish that sentence!

OK, I calculate I'd have 2.5 million dollars. Hah.

Ever wonder about girls who actively look for sugar daddies? I can't really imagine doing that. I suppose you've got to have such low self-esteem, or be so young -- although both pretty much go hand in hand -- that you'd stoop so low as to blow someone just because they have a beautiful house and a hot car. Or so some male members have told me, much to my amazement (naive me). Girlz on the prowl!

Good thing that in spite of my almost three-decades of attempted self-oblivion, I never quite lost sight of me. Never let my feet really get off the ground. (Momentarily, yes. But never for long. And I suppose the lack of real crystal chandeliers, columnades, butlers, maids, chauffeurs, limos, and endless fresh flowers has nothing to do with this innate groundedness I feel. Bah.)

On a more mundate note, I am getting a hair trim tomorrow. One of the best things about not drinking is that everyone slices 10-15 years off my real age. And that's because I'm not pouring toxins down my throat hourly. I thought it was Estée Lauder, but it's a lot simpler than that.