Monday, January 26, 2009

56 days

Not the longest I've gone, but the best - liberated at last, it seems, from the obsession.

I think my last rock bottom, brief as it was, was an existential wake-up call. Sounds corny, but hell...

I truly wondered if I had any purpose here. If there was any meaning in my life. If I mattered in the greater scheme of things (small dose of self-pity, there). If there was any reason I should stick around. I cried buckets, and gnashed my teeth (figuratively) and counted the trazodones in my little bottle. There were enough to put me down. Just go to sleep. I tidied up the apartment first. Wanted to leave everything looking orderly.

I was tired of being me, tired of my thoughts and memories.

But I got dressed and trudged my way angrily through the routine for a couple of more days until one morning everything was OK again.

And since then it's been better than OK, it gets a little better every day.

And for that, I am grateful.

(And it's not even Thanksgiving.)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Stepping forward

This week I followed through on some things I've been thinking about but not acting upon.

I made some calls and left messages. Two of the people are the kind who don't really have "conversations," per se, but the kind who are just waiting for their turn to talk. They interrupt with an "oh yes me too!" story and often forget to get back to where we were. I dislike that.

It takes patience to talk to these friends. So, having talked to their machines, I feel relieved of my duty - for now.

A third person I left a left a message for doesn't want to speak to anyone. She's "gone out" - in AA parlance - and I know where she's at. The entire human race can take a flying leap and please let nobody knock on my door. But when I had those times I was grateful (later - not during) that somebody had called to say "I'm thinking about you."

I was hoping someone else would call me back with a little job offer, but so far nothing has come of it. It would entail working on a farm. I would sooooooo love that!!!!

So I followed up on another idea, instead: stopped over at the nearest church yesterday to sign up as a volunteer. I need to fill weekend afternoons with productive tasks. The church lady (hahah... shades of the old SNL) said they always need volunteers. So we'll see what happens there. Who knows what they might ask of me.

Basically, I feel the need to be useful and do rewarding things. I also need to be busier and have obligations and responsibilities to keep me from lapsing into THE URGE TO NAP ALL THE TIME!

I seem to be well on my way to turning into the teetotalling spinster cat lady with a library card who does church work. OMG.