Friday, January 18, 2008

What would they think?

I'm pretty sure most of my friends who come here have never had a heart attack.

My first year anniversary is coming up soon, and I am acutely aware of it.

In fact, I've been very aware of my every heartbeat since Feb 6, 2007.

I don't worry overmuch about it most times, I know it's just a matter of time before I have another one, but the thing is...

Sometimes before I leave my apartment I look around. And I think:

"If I died today, what would the clean-up crew say?"

So there are days when I tidy up really good.

I imagine people walking into the messy bedroom, the pile of laundry on the floor. The dishes in the kitchen. The grungy bathroom sink. The piles of papers here and there, with scribbled notes.

I imagine they'd say, "Oh, my. She was a slob. Who is this Langelier person on her voice mail?" (That one would be a wrong number, imagine if they called her back.)

I mentioned this "if I died tonight" scenario many weeks ago to my sympathetic co-worker, Mrs. Gom, (not her real name, but close), and she was aghast. I guess some people don't think in the same fatalistic terms.

So there are days when, before I leave the house for work or even before going to bed, I scrub my toilet and bathroom sink.

In fact, I am about to do that right now.

Because my last heart attack was in Feb 2006 and most heart attacks happen during the night, I feel anxious these days and nights.


5 comments:

RoxRocks said...

Honey, life's too short to worry about what people think after you're gone! I worry more about what people will think while I'm still here and they come and see my house! LOL!

I remember the heart attack last year. Scary shit. Be well and keep your thoughts light.

Kate said...

My Dear,

I sprinkle bountiful blessings on your heart from far away and tell it to be healthy and happy (Lexapro - one molecule away from Celexa but more effective, less side effects - wouldn't have believed it but it was true - too bad that, a everything I've had so far, it was not good ENOUGH for me).

Besides, since we know it's all about ME, I'm not calling cow-town Quebeçois hospitals again with my shit French. So scary in more ways than one (foremost trying to find YOU...).

Maybe it can be a SURVIVAL anniversary (that's very cancer awareness advocate of me, I know), but you ARE a SURVIVOR!!! Play Gloria Gaynor over and over and make it positive (says the wretched and depressed person - hmm - doesn't mean it's not a good idea).

You've taken yourself out of the toxic atmosphere in which you were living that could have given you a heart attack every single day... You are helping the sadly lacking fashion sense of your little community... You make me laugh and cry and SURVIVE myself when I don't think I can for one more second.

So There,
Kate of Le monde de fromage de Kate

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I could totally see myself having the same mental conversations. I think it is natural when you dealt with such a life-changing event. Or, if someone close to you dies and you are in charge of going through their worldly possessions. My mom has been going through a similar thing this past year because HER mother died. It has been such an emotional nightmare for her to have to dispose of things that belonged to her that it has put my mom on a massive cleaning spree. They needed to do that anyway because they are packrats from hell, but the impetus came from exactly what you are talking about.

DJ said...

I'm not a very messy person except for my bedroom - and there are times when I look around and think "I wonder what someone would think...?" but then I just shrug and figure life is to short to worry about things like that when I won't even be here to care. :)

lattégirl said...

Not: because of your comment I started unpackratting today - one desk drawer at a time!