I'm pretty sure most of my friends who come here have never had a heart attack.
My first year anniversary is coming up soon, and I am acutely aware of it.
In fact, I've been very aware of my every heartbeat since Feb 6, 2007.
I don't worry overmuch about it most times, I know it's just a matter of time before I have another one, but the thing is...
Sometimes before I leave my apartment I look around. And I think:
"If I died today, what would the clean-up crew say?"
So there are days when I tidy up really good.
I imagine people walking into the messy bedroom, the pile of laundry on the floor. The dishes in the kitchen. The grungy bathroom sink. The piles of papers here and there, with scribbled notes.
I imagine they'd say, "Oh, my. She was a slob. Who is this Langelier person on her voice mail?" (That one would be a wrong number, imagine if they called her back.)
I mentioned this "if I died tonight" scenario many weeks ago to my sympathetic co-worker, Mrs. Gom, (not her real name, but close), and she was aghast. I guess some people don't think in the same fatalistic terms.
So there are days when, before I leave the house for work or even before going to bed, I scrub my toilet and bathroom sink.
In fact, I am about to do that right now.
Because my last heart attack was in Feb 2006 and most heart attacks happen during the night, I feel anxious these days and nights.