56 days

Not the longest I've gone, but the best - liberated at last, it seems, from the obsession.

I think my last rock bottom, brief as it was, was an existential wake-up call. Sounds corny, but hell...

I truly wondered if I had any purpose here. If there was any meaning in my life. If I mattered in the greater scheme of things (small dose of self-pity, there). If there was any reason I should stick around. I cried buckets, and gnashed my teeth (figuratively) and counted the trazodones in my little bottle. There were enough to put me down. Just go to sleep. I tidied up the apartment first. Wanted to leave everything looking orderly.

I was tired of being me, tired of my thoughts and memories.

But I got dressed and trudged my way angrily through the routine for a couple of more days until one morning everything was OK again.

And since then it's been better than OK, it gets a little better every day.

And for that, I am grateful.

(And it's not even Thanksgiving.)

Stepping forward

This week I followed through on some things I've been thinking about but not acting upon.

I made some calls and left messages. Two of the people are the kind who don't really have "conversations," per se, but the kind who are just waiting for their turn to talk. They interrupt with an "oh yes me too!" story and often forget to get back to where we were. I dislike that.

It takes patience to talk to these friends. So, having talked to their machines, I feel relieved of my duty - for now.

A third person I left a left a message for doesn't want to speak to anyone. She's "gone out" - in AA parlance - and I know where she's at. The entire human race can take a flying leap and please let nobody knock on my door. But when I had those times I was grateful (later - not during) that somebody had called to say "I'm thinking about you."

I was hoping someone else would call me back with a little job offer, but so far nothing has come of it. It would entail working on a farm. I would sooooooo love that!!!!

So I followed up on another idea, instead: stopped over at the nearest church yesterday to sign up as a volunteer. I need to fill weekend afternoons with productive tasks. The church lady (hahah... shades of the old SNL) said they always need volunteers. So we'll see what happens there. Who knows what they might ask of me.

Basically, I feel the need to be useful and do rewarding things. I also need to be busier and have obligations and responsibilities to keep me from lapsing into THE URGE TO NAP ALL THE TIME!

I seem to be well on my way to turning into the teetotalling spinster cat lady with a library card who does church work. OMG.

Resident evil

I was using one of three baskets to hold odds and ends and books. I finally became a real cat person when I put their favourite blanket into one basket last week... and it's been a hidey-place for which all three kitties vie on a daily basis. When they aren't weighing me down with their combined 30 lbs in my bed at night, that is.

On the Internets

There are a couple of sites I go to regularly for humour of the quasi-literary sort.

The first is aptly named: Passive-Aggressive Notes dot com. It's kind of like that "Post Secret" site that was so hot a couple years ago (and still might be, for all I know) but much funnier. People take pictures of p.a. notes other people have left. The comments are, predictably, mostly hilarious.

The second is one I've mentioned before is The "Blog" of Unnecessary Quotations. As you can see by the "quotation" marks, it's not "really" a blog. But it is a consistently amusing look at the terrible license taken by people, people with a certain authority or level of administrative power, who can't write.

Because I am THAT lazy

30 Questions

Lifted from DJ

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
“Why does my new haircut always look like shit in the morning?”

2. How much cash do you have on you?
About $14

3. Favorite planet?
Is the Moon a planet or a star?

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Don't have a cell phone.

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
I told you, I don't have a cell phone!

6. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright for day, mellow for evening.

7. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping.

8. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
*sigh*

9. Who told you he/she loved you last?
Trish.

10. Your worst enemy?
Myself.

11. What is your current desktop picture?

Cootie.

12. What was the last thing you said to someone?
“See you tomorrow.”

13. The last song you listened to?
Loreena McKennitt - The Mummer's Song

14. What time of day were you born?
I don't know because nobody seems to remember.

15. What’s your favorite number?
I don't have one.

16. Are you jealous of anyone?
No.

17. Is anyone jealous of you?
I believe so.

18. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes.

19. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
On my wrist.

20. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
German.

21. Are you touchy feely?
Not overmuch.

22. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Pen, Tylenol, keys.

23. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Groceries.

24. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Last Friday (3 days ago).

25. Can you change the oil on a car?
No, but then again I don't have a car.

26. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
After his mother died, I never heard a thing.

27. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
I'd have to consult the family tree, but offhand I know it goes pretty far back.

28. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Halloween 2008 - large velvet hat with feathery border, black faux-velvet Renaissance dress, high-heeled black boots. Went to an AA meeting that way.

29. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Lower back, as usual.

30. Have you been burned by love?
I think I did most of the burning.

Today I am H.A.L.T.

Hungry, angry, lonely (not really), tired.

People can suck such energy from you, even with the simplest phrase in email, such as the one I got this morning in response to a bouncy message I sent late last evening:

"I had the impression you were going to call me last night. I am suffering but am I just being manipulative?"

Gee, sorry, I got busy with other stuff. Like talking to my son about issues that concern him and then having a fun chat with a lovely Internet contact. And yes, you do sound manipulative.

Why are some people so needy?

Why do they preach self-sufficiency and yet are unable to spend time alone?

Why do they expect the rest of us to attend to them when we have our own needs for solitude, contemplation, a good book?

Why can't they feel a measure of equilibrium in everyday life?

Why is this AA person with so many years of sobriety such a grabby needy man?

Do you know people who are unable to go to a movie alone, eat in a restaurant alone, walk alone because they somehow feel... too exposed, too vulnerable, too lonely-looking? I feel sorry for them. I've always been able to be at ease with myself. Years of practice. I've had friends pf both sexes who've jumped from one relationship to the next because they can't bear to be on their own, living with themselves, surrounded by 3 or 4 rooms or an entire house.

There are times when I don't like myself much, but I'm accustomed to me and my foibles and I can and will very easily take me and my relatively few demands on myself.

So, back to H.A.L.T. I was hungry when I started this post, but I've since had a bowl of my own chicken soup, which is laden with rice, beans, pasta and all manner of other good things. Angry, I guess I still am. Resentful is a better word, though. Lonely, not much. I had my usual busy, people-filled week and I do enjoy a day alone. It's a fabulously chilly, sunny fall afternoon and my windows are open and there is a fairly bad science fiction movie on the Scream channel and I don't feel particularly lonely. Tired, yeah, cuz I stayed up later than usual last night.

All in all, I suppose things are alright.

I just had to write this here rather than take it out on the person who instigated some of these ranty feelings.

AA doesn't change you, except...

If I had a million dollars for each man who's hit on me since I've attempted sobriety...

I can't even finish that sentence!

OK, I calculate I'd have 2.5 million dollars. Hah.

Ever wonder about girls who actively look for sugar daddies? I can't really imagine doing that. I suppose you've got to have such low self-esteem, or be so young -- although both pretty much go hand in hand -- that you'd stoop so low as to blow someone just because they have a beautiful house and a hot car. Or so some male members have told me, much to my amazement (naive me). Girlz on the prowl!

Good thing that in spite of my almost three-decades of attempted self-oblivion, I never quite lost sight of me. Never let my feet really get off the ground. (Momentarily, yes. But never for long. And I suppose the lack of real crystal chandeliers, columnades, butlers, maids, chauffeurs, limos, and endless fresh flowers has nothing to do with this innate groundedness I feel. Bah.)

On a more mundate note, I am getting a hair trim tomorrow. One of the best things about not drinking is that everyone slices 10-15 years off my real age. And that's because I'm not pouring toxins down my throat hourly. I thought it was Estée Lauder, but it's a lot simpler than that.